Sure, I had my expectations and prejudices watching
Bravo's smash hit Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
Betrayed by Queer as Folk characters charmlessly displaying
young hairless gay male behavior, I imagined the new gay
makeover show as a Pink Cadillac full of drag queens
colliding with a Ford pickup loaded with anxious straight
men - some chiffony creampuff violently ripping thick bands
off tape of fur-beautiful backs, evilly cackling and dissing.
What I viewed, of course, was far more humane and balanced,
at times hilarious. When the Fab Five took under their wing
the married-with-children, slightly chunky Adam Z,
they waxed his unibrow and earhair, but Carson, the
funniest of the crew, didn't go so far as to pluck a
single hair off Adam's back or cute backside; instead,
he smoothed it tenderly, miming an improvised backhair-brush.
However, grooming fashionista Kyan ("There's no
excuse for nose hair. Ever.") sometimes behaves like a
facial-hair fascist. In the second season's first episode,
he hardballs reluctant mountain man Jeff T into shaving
his quite chewable beard and decades-old moustache.
Jeff, a taxidermist who apparently stuffed some sort
of small animal - into his oversized boxers - indeed
looks pretty hot with shorter hair. But his weak upper lip
would benefit more if accented by a thick sprig of fur.
The straight guys transformed on episodes so far are
mostly pretty wooflicious, and it does seem that their lives
are affected very positively, if only temporarily. Strong
production values, and genuine nods to traditionally
masculine images - such as the opening sequence "posse" of
queerguyz swaggering toward the camera in trendy sunglasses
and black suits - help make this show a cut above the
usual gay TV programming.
Let's just hope that the network doesn't confuse QEFTSG
with their other boffo gayboi show, Boy Meets Boy, where
cute young cleanshaven guys try to win the best man's
heart - but some of the boyfriends to be are really hetero!
Imagine if after the Queer Guys' fashion and lifestyle
douche, the "straight guy" turned out to be a gay or
bi BEAR? It might be outrageously funny - or it might it
might just seem like bear-bashing. But consider how much
fun it might be if some beefy, butch homo-urso went
undercover as straight, got on the QEFTSG spinoff,
then revealed himself as a proud gay bear. He'd staunchly
refuse the Fab Five's prettifying manicures and growl,
"Here's a flying fashion tip for you," then flip those
boyz a big ol' bear-sized bird.
* * *
I've raved over queer rocker Rufus Wainwright's music
for years now, but just recently noticed his hairy (if
scrawny) chest. In a recent Boston Globe interview,
singer-songwriter-performer Rufus declared he doesn't
approve of Bon Jovi's chest waxing: "If you wax anywhere,
it should be your [rear end] hair. I don't wax. And
really, if you have hair, it's a fabulous badge of
honor." Kudos to Rufus for standing up to those
freakin' metrosexual rockers. And check out his
brilliant new CD, "Want One."
* * *
It's probably just a matter of time before some
good-looking gorilla of a major pro football, baseball,
soccer, or wrestling figure comes out publicly as a
gay/bi Bear. For some reason, I always want to
nominate - in the "Pro Sports Bear Whose Sweat I
Most Deeply Desire To Lick" category - baseball sluggers
like Mark McGwire or Kevin Millar. But really, any
of dozens of man-loving men in pro sports must be
in the unenviable position of having to consider the
disastrous effects - for their careers and marriages -
of coming out as bisexual or gay. I say "bisexual" here,
because I believe some of these guys must honestly
love their wives or girlfriends but sure as hell
don't mind getting their knobs polished by another
guy - especially if it's, say, another drop-dead-handsome
hypermacho teammate. Or even a buddy who ain't so purty
but somehow in the showers accidentally pushes a coupla
thick strong fingers up your ass. Something like that.
Sports star fuck fantasy aside (Rafael Palmeiro: if
you're reading this and need to work off some excess
Viagra, call me), I really wonder how many guys actually
would considering coming out, as they undoubtedly would
never want to become the Ellen Degeneres of professional
sports. But even though Ellen's damn well on top of
her game, I don't know how soon maybe a pro sportsbear
could see how it wouldn't necessarily mean career
suicide and decide that it was time to come out swinging
his bat at sexual repression - especially his own.
* * *
In August, Canadian filmmaker and woofter Clark Nikolai
gathered various films examining and celebrating bear subculture
for Barbophilia, as part of the Vancouver BC
"Out on Screen" filmfest. The collection of shorts explored
a range of bear-related subjects, including hair,
gaining, food, "barbophobia," body image, and
unfashionable desire. Included was the romantic comedy,
A Bear's Story (profiled earlier this year in AmBear);
bad porn is considered in Porn-Proof; More Than Hair
Care Products explores the hidden subtext of anti-consumerism
among bears; Hard Fat challenges preconceived notions
of masculinity, desire, and beauty; Lazy Bear 2002
looks at the major circuit-bear event in Guerneville;
and folks gather for food and friendship in My Heart
the Cook. Clark's own outstanding film, done in collaboration with the equally woofy Martin Borden, the short feature Men on Men
on Fur, features some amazing cinematography. The camera
pans expanses of beards and fur-covered bellies and
backs, transforming bear-bods into gorgeous, eerily
erotic landscapes that truly glorify hairy maleness.
The film screened in the Melbourne International Queer and the Denver International GLBT filmfests, and was shown to an enthusiastic crowd at the February Paws for Words, BOSFŐs lit-arts cultural event during IntŐl Bear Rendezvous. Find out more at
http://www.outonscreen.com/festival/2003/film_guide/barbo.html.
Until next time, grrrfolks!
This column first appeared in American Bear magazine #59, Feb/Mar 2004.
Copyright © 2004 by Ron Suresha. All rights reserved.
Write back:
bearstuff@suresha.com
